Thursday, May 31, 2007

5 Steps to Getting Your Balls Back

You've lost your balls to a woman or series of women. You know the signs:

  • You only hang out with your friends when she is going out with her friends. Of course, you have to be home before or at the same time as her.
  • You've given up your hobbies for hers.
  • You "negotiate" only watching one football game a weekend. The rest of the time is "fix up the house" time.
  • You ask permission to jack off.

Now, a 5 step program to get your balls back:

  1. Learn to say "No." Practice it in the mirror. Say it a lot, say it for no reason. "Honey, are you home?" Answer: "NO!!"
    Why? Because, you agree with her just because it makes life temporarily easier for you. The problem is, it makes life 10 times harder in the future. You are now, officially, a push over douche bag. Your respect level has diminished in her eyes, even though she got what she wanted.
  2. Join a team sport, even if you're old and decrepit.
    I prefer hockey, but you can do anything. Hell, play that pussy sport soccer if you feel like it. Getting back with a pack of males to compete and drink copious amounts of alcohol will drive up your TESTOSTERONE! This is critical to your male life.
    I know this will piss some people off, but being too honest and forthcoming with information to her actually turns her off AND lowers your standing in the relationship. Being honest with your feelings WILL be used against you later. Also, keeping some things to yourself gives you a feeling of having some private life. Which brings us to #4.
  4. Develop your own, separate, personal life.
    The first ball busting thing your wife / girlfriend is going to attempt is to coop your life. Joint friends, joint bank account, joint toilet, live together, sleep closer, eat closer.. the moral of this.. be one conjoined person. Get a bank account just for you. Get a credit card just for you. Have your own friends you don't share with her. I would say get a place of your own just for you, but most of you aren't mad ass rich like me.
  5. Stop negotiating.
    This is the best one yet. We negotiate everything. I can watch football if I do this or that around the house. I can go fishing if I wear panties while vacuuming the house. STOP THIS NOW. Why? Because you lose every time. Negotiation is the way that women implement change in you subversively. Typically, they wish to make everything you want to do so painful of a negotiation, you, being male and tempted by the path of least resistance, will stop working so hard to get what you want. What do you do then? Take a stand. Make her mad, hell, make her cry. Do what you want and stick by your guns.
Last Note

I know that this all seems harsh. But remember, most of us are the same. If we change our behavior, it is only until we can't take it any longer and leave the relationship. Then we go right back to doing what we want.

What happens if she goes to a new guy? He's probably just like you. We're mostly the same. Same desires, habits, and behaviors. They have convinced you that they have been able to CHANGE some of us. That there is competition now for their attention. Bullshit. Face reality, and more importantly, make women face reality. We're here, and we're sick of being "rehabilitated" from our maleness.


NatureBing Blogger said...

How about this...grow up! Grow some balls! All you kids out there that are..."meh"...MARRIED, that was your first mistake. Now that you've admitted your mistake its time to take action. First off, NEVER compromise, NEVER NEVER NEVER. Somewhere along the line some asshole started counseling married people telling them to compromise and it will strengthen their relationship. Thats a bunch of crap! Did you have to compromise before you met her? Didn't she marry you because of YOU? The best relationships I've ever been around are with 2 people (3 if your kinky enough) who enjoy being around each other because that is the FUN person they first met. You don't get into a "relationship" then compromise to "make it work"...grow up. Ok, thats enough for now.
Don't forget to listen to Tom Leykis, he IS the man.

Nick said...

Right on. After being in a relationship for a while and compromising on things that i didn't even realize, and definitely taking the path of least resistance constantly. Preach on Brother.